OOOh am I in trouble. After a few sherrys last night I took the the cup of tea, which my wife had made for me, to bed. I proceeded to drip small drops of tea from the bedroom door, all around the bed, to my bed side table. Yes the carpet (new) is light beige, not tea coloured, oh no, it wouldn't be fucking tea coloured would it, no, its much lighter. So we get down and do some carpet scrubbing (sounds rude doesn't it?) I decide, in my inebriated state, to use a blue fannel, which, as you have probably guessed, leaks blue fucking dye. Not good.

This morning, it doesn't look too bad, but I am still in the dog house. A dog house filled with fire, spikes, boiling acid and wasps. More of a hound from hell house. I think I will lie low today and not complain about the fact that we are going to waste a Sunday looking round 'open gardens.' The only saving grace here is that we are going for a pub lunch first, and that means lovely brown dizzy liquid. I also get to see my little nephew (in law) who is the best little chap in the world. He makes me laugh, also he spills things all the time so it takes the pressure off me a little.

I am supposed to be finding out train times right now so better hop to it before I get a right royal double bollocking.

Today was a bind, not sure why, but it was. I woke up with my brain saying "Where do you put the petrol in this thing?" Consequently I was grumpy all day. I was also very busy at work and was quite rude to someone and then had to do the thing of pretending I was joking. It all went over the top of her head anyway.

I also awoke this morning deciding that I wasn't going to drink tonight. It's 10.25pm and I've only had two beers which is nothing isn't it? My liver is dying to get a word in here, actually no, my liver is just dying! I have done a work out though, i will get muscles if its the last thing I do, I aspire to be a bit like the man off the Mr muscle adverts. I don't want to look like him, I would just love to have a go at cleaning the kitchen once in a while. This would make life a lot easier.

I also decided this morning that I would get an early night. Again, it's 10.30pm and I'm writing bollocks on the computer. Go to bed you silly fucker! No I won't, I'm having fun. You call this fun? No, but its more fun than going and getting a shower, brushing my teeth and going to sleep, only to wake up what seems like 5 minutes later to go to work again. Oh I see your point.

A little insight into my mind there. I often argue with myself, in fact my mind can be quite cruel to me sometimes. I really got pissed off with it once and decided not to communicate with it for a while. Not long after that I got run over by a car.

That's not true actually but I do like the idea of falling out with your own mind. Getting in a huff with it and ignoring it. Iv'e wanted to learn how to meditate for ages, maybe thats how. Get my mind to call me a lazy, skinny alcoholic bastard and I'll be on my way to self enlightenment!

Goodnight all.

So, I got wasted at the weekend, both days, again. Well strictly speaking Saturday night and Sunday night (I work Saturdays.) Consequently I feel like shite this week. I went to my mates to watch the footy on Sunday, I planned to drink as much as possible in the 2 hour slot I had available. 2 hours later, mission accomplished. After 9 beers I was pretty giddy and ready to sing and be the worlds best dancer. My excuse is that I was meeting my mates best friends for the first time time so I was nervous. After a good half hours argument with one of them about whether it is possible to scratch a DVD (I think it is possible, I have seen DJ Yoda's live DVD,) I was met by my wife who had very kindly come to collect me.

My intention was to catch up on sleep this week (so I can be ready to get battered again the next weekend) but my plans of early nights and switching off the light as soon as I hit the sack go out of the window. I manage to piss about doing pointless activities, like playing an electronic drumkit and seeing what silly pictures I can find on google images and then finally getting google earth to work. Google earth is cool, I do admit though I spent more minutes than I should have seeing if I could find a nudist beach to zoom in on. Anybody know where there might be one?

I have also started reading a new book, its the first book of the 'Lord loss' series of children books. Oh my god, this book is sick, twisted and very brutal and I can't put it down. I'm not sure what age this is aimed at but I would not let my children (which I don't have) read this until they were at least 25. This is another reason why I have not been sleeping till late. Yes, I am being scared by a childrens book. Lord Loss is a right bastard I can tell you.

Due to a lack of sleep my patience is at an all time low. I always let ladies pass through a door before me, I am a gentleman, and then when they don t thank me I say rather loudly, "well its quite alright Madame." When I get served by a grumpy shop assistant, as I'm about to leave I add "service with a smile!" I know this is bad but I can't help it at the moment. I will not catch up on any sleep for the rest of the week as its martial arts tonight and seeing my parents tomorrow night. I may try and get a couple of hours in today at work. Its a hard life. The in-laws are coming this weekend so I guess I'll not be getting too smashed, although I must say its not stopped me before. Maybe it's time to change?

Today I learnt the horrible true meaning of the word 'teabagging.' I initially, and quite naively, thought of this as a voyeuristic, harmless past time, or maybe an accidental glimpse of something on a hot day that is normally kept well under wraps. How wrong I was. The idea of physical interaction with old elbow skin handbag makes me gip.

There are too many sick people out there, and more to the point, how does my friend who told me know the true meaning of this word. He assures me that he has not had personal experience of the 'sport,' but I conclude from this that he should definately have his internet disconnected.

He tells me that tomorrow, he will tell me all about watersports. I have always wanted to go waterskiing.

Hello there.

Firstly, if you are reading this then you are a fantastic person in my book. Secondly, I do not actually have a book where I keep a list of people's names who I think are fantastic. Thirdly, I do actually have a book, containing photos of all the people I think are dirty, eg. Angelina Jolie. Fourthly, the thirdly part is made up. Phew I hear you say, he is not a crazy mentaler. Fifthly, actually, I am.

Welcome to my journey through life. You are welcome to expereience it with me, in fact please do, I like the company. Sharing is good. I think I will write about what goes on in my life, but not the boring shit like 'I won a 3 legged race today' or 'Today I had 324 Frosted Shreddies but with only 50ml of milk, arent I mad,' but the stuff I find moderately irratating and therefore funny, or just plain funny, like say...catching a pair of some old ladies knickers with your face in a strong wind. Mmmm, camomile.

I'll keep posting as regular as possible with what only can be called a diary. Make sure you tune in!